you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
