Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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