I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
