I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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