I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
