now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This is the high leading the old right now
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
