she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
