My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
