Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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