Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
soo... how was my night?
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