the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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