you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
