she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
