After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
