remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
