just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
