Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
