Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
