woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
