you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
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Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
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You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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