I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
40s are totally the cure
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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