I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
