is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
