I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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