apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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