Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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