theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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