he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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