Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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