I just cut my nipple shaving
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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