If i come over, it means nothing
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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