just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
