I didn't shave. On purpose
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
