Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
