I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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