You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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