Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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