i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
