shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
