I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
