I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is it because I queefed?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
