I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
