One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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