wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
