the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
