Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
