I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
