this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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