The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
