Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
