I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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