matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
