Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
