You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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