fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
