how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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