I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
