the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
