you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
