I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
