When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
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He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
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Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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