Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
