Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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